


shelter

by obsessivereader



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Amnesiac Bucky Barnes, Bucky never remembers, First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 15:42:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7851193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessivereader/pseuds/obsessivereader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every day at 4pm, the beautiful man with the sad eyes comes in. John always gives him the most affectionate animals even though volunteers are supposed to help the fearful ones get used to human contact. But he gets the feeling the man could really do with some affection, and John just wants him to stop looking so sad all the time.</p><p>The first time the man had shown up, John had been passing through the front office. Their eyes had met for a brief moment and John had been struck by how familiar he’d seemed. It was disconcerting, and John had been the first to look away. Then Janine had sidled up to him in the back room and whispered excitedly, “That was Captain America! I heard he moved down here a few weeks ago.” John had nodded with a certain amount of relief, pushed that moment of recognition to the back of his mind, and carried on with his work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dirtybinary](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dirtybinary/gifts).



> This is a birthday fic I originally posted on tumblr for one of my favourite fic writers, who has since become a good friend. The original was posted at 5am while I was slightly cross-eyed, and so of course, after I posted it, I noticed several things that made me cringe (sorry Val!). I've re-edited it and tidied it up some to be properly gifted again. Let's hope this second effort survives post-publish regret :)
> 
> 25/8/16 edit: coda added because in any universe, under any name, Bucky and Steve will find their way back to each other.

Every day at 4pm, the beautiful man with the sad eyes comes in. John always gives him the most affectionate animals even though volunteers are supposed to help the fearful ones get used to human contact. But he gets the feeling the man could really do with some affection, and John just wants him to stop looking so sad all the time.

The first time the man had shown up, John had been passing through the front office. Their eyes had met for a brief moment and John had been struck by how familiar he’d seemed. It was disconcerting, and John had been the first to look away. Then Janine had sidled up to him in the back room and whispered excitedly, “That was Captain America! I heard he moved down here a few weeks ago.” John had nodded with a certain amount of relief, pushed that moment of recognition to the back of his mind, and carried on with his work.

Since then, Rogers has not missed a day unless there's some crisis going on somewhere in the world. And then he's back a day or two later, sometimes with bruises and cuts on his face, and even one time, with a limp. Everyone has learned not to fuss over him when he comes in looking all banged up because it makes him visibly uncomfortable. John makes sure to give him the older animals on those days, the ones that are content to lie on Rogers and let him run his big hands gently down their backs.

John’s no fool though, he doubts Captain America continues coming to their out-of-the-way shelter in Maryland just to help cats and dogs get re-homed. Rogers is after something, and John is pretty sure it has something to do with him _._ He can always feel when Rogers watches him, and Rogers watches him a lot. As someone without a past, he finds the experience of being watched by Captain America unsettling.

___

The clock ticks over to 5.30—time to close up the petting room. He opens the door and slides in, using his leg to hold off the dogs that rush towards him while he closes the door. He hesitates when he notices Rogers, Bowser purring away on his lap while he scratches her under her chin. This is the first time Rogers has still been around when John comes in to bring the animals back to their cages.

Rogers stands up, cradling Bowser in his arms. “John, right?”

“Yeah,” he answers, and can’t help the wariness that leaks into his voice. “And you're Captain America.”

A brief flare of hope lights Rogers’s eyes as he stares at John expectantly, but then it dims and is extinguished. “Please call me Steve,” he says. “I was wondering if… if I could maybe buy you a cup of coffee when you get off work?”

He doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but he finds himself saying yes anyway.

___

“So how long have you been working at the shelter?”

“About a year.”

“Have you always lived in Maryland?” Steve takes a bite of pie after he asks. John can tell he’s trying to look casual, but the intensity in his gaze gives him away.

John sees no point in lying, so he says, “I don’t know. I woke up in an alley near here not long before I started working at the shelter. No idea how I got there. Didn’t even know my own name.”

Steve seems gripped by some strong emotion when he hears John’s answer, but just what that emotion is, John can’t tell. All he knows is that it’s not the usual ones of shock and sympathy most people evince when they find out about his past.

“Is it okay—I mean, can I ask about…”

John takes pity on Steve, who’s still struggling for words. “Sure,” he says. “Ask whatever you like.”

“Why ‘John Barnes’?”

“People kept telling me I look like your friend Bucky Barnes. I thought it sounded better than John Doe. I hope you don’t mind.”

“No,” Steve says softly, “I think Bucky would’ve loved it.” There’s just the slightest hitch in his voice when he says ‘Bucky’.

John can’t help but be moved by how much Steve still grieves for his fallen friend, but there’s something he needs to know for his own peace of mind. “What brought you in that first day? Captain America doesn’t just walk into a random shelter looking to volunteer.”

Steve looks down and carefully cuts himself a piece of pie he doesn’t then eat. “I heard there was a guy that looked a lot like Bucky working there.”

He relaxes when he hears Steve’s answer. “I thought that might be it. You must miss him a lot.”

“Yeah…” Steve says, voice thick with emotion. “Yeah, I do.”

“I’m sorry I’m not him.”

Steve makes a choked sound. “No,” he says, “please don’t apologize. It’s been hard and it took a long time, but I—I accept that Bucky’s gone.” Then he smiles, small and hurting and hopeful. “And making a new friend is good too, right? I just moved down here, so I don’t know many people.”

He’s beautiful, John realizes. Steve Rogers is beautiful. He’d appreciated it in the abstract from the first moment he’d seen him. But looking at Steve now, the harsh fluorescent lights of the diner exposing every flaw, hope and loneliness and tiredness in his eyes, that beauty is made human, something to be cherished.

It’s only when disappointment starts to cloud Steve’s eyes that he remembers Steve is still waiting for his answer. “Yeah,” he says belatedly, and Steve’s smile brightens, “it’s good.” He finds himself smiling back.

“What brought you to Maryland?” he asks. “After what happened with SHIELD and Hydra I’d have thought you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near Washington.”

Steve doesn’t quite meet John’s eyes when he says, “I guess New York just wasn’t home anymore.”

“And Maryland is?”

“Let’s say it’s a lot closer to it than anywhere else.” Before John can question this cryptic statement, Steve says, “You never tried to figure out how you ended up in the alley?”

He takes a sip of his cooling coffee while he thinks how to answer. “I woke up,” he finally says, “no memories, no ID, no arm, mostly bald, and in clothes that didn’t fit me. I figured whoever dumped me there took pity on me, or didn’t have the guts to kill me like they should’ve. Either way, I reckon I’m supposed to be dead”—a very odd look passes over Steve's face—“and the safest thing for me to do is to stay that way.”

What he doesn’t say is that he’d woken up just a few days after the helicarriers had fallen, and that fact has worried him ever since.

___

After that, it becomes a regular thing. A few times a week, Steve waits for him to finish at the shelter, and then they go for coffee, and that usually turns into having dinner together.

Two months in, John kisses Steve. Steve doesn’t kiss him back. John tries not to let the pain choke him as he pulls back. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I guess I read that all wrong.”

Steve catches his hand. “No, John, it’s okay.” He looks at John like he’s seeing him for the first time. “You just caught me by surprise. Can we try that again?”

___

Steve drops down behind him on the fire escape. Arms wrap around his waist and legs bracket his own. “What are you doing up?” Steve asks.

“Weird dreams,” he answers. He leans back into the shelter of Steve’s body.

“Want to talk about it?”

He blushes, glad Steve can't see. “Nah. It's silly.”

Steve brushes a kiss against the back of his neck. “Come on, I promise I won't laugh.” A light nip on his shoulder. “Much.”

He elbows Steve for that. “I dreamed about you,” he says, “but not like you are now. You’re thin, like in the photos of you at camp, before you got the serum. And you’re really cranky, and—” He shakes his head. “I told you it was silly.”

Behind him, Steve has gone absolutely still.

“Steve?” He turns around and tries to get a look at Steve.

Steve presses his face into John’s neck and his arms tighten spasmodically around him. Then Steve says, “I think we need to talk.”


	2. coda

Steve talks, he listens. Then, he quietly asks Steve to leave. He packs a duffel bag, goes to the bus station and buys a ticket to somewhere far away. He texts his boss telling her he’s gotten some bad news and that he has to go away for a while. It’s the truth, in its own way. He doesn’t settle in any one place for long, continues to travel, sticking mostly to smaller cities, taking odd jobs along the way. With just one arm, he seems like an easy mark, and people have tried to take advantage, but even short one limb, he’s more than a match for most. Now he understands why.

He scrounges the internet for any scrap of information about the Winter Soldier. What he finds makes him retreat from the world for a few days. There’s not much more he can learn about Bucky Barnes, he’d already read up on him when he’d first woken up, being his (so he thought) doppelgänger, and anyway, most of that information is framed in the context of his friendship with Steve Rogers.

He continues to get updates from his friends at the shelter, so he knows that Steve showed up there the morning after he left, looking haggard and heartbroken. ‘It’s complicated’ he’d texted them, when they’d asked what happened. 

They tell him that Steve still shows up every day, that he’s become particularly fond of Gimp, an old mongrel with a limp, that they’ve removed Gimp from the shelter’s list of dogs for adoption. He’s glad. Steve always seemed lighter after being with the animals. It’s so hard for Steve to admit he needs help, so the only way to get him to accept it is if he thinks he’s helping too. He gets that. 

He gets messages from Steve as well. ‘I’m sorry.’ ‘Please come home.’ ‘Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here.’ ‘I’ll wait as long as it takes.’ ‘I love you.’

It hurts when he sees that word, ‘home’, he remembers what Steve had said that first night they’d had coffee and pie together. He only sends Steve one message: Please don’t try to find me. He knows Steve can track him by his phone, but he’s sure Steve will respect his request. 

Steve’s messages change after a while, become more like a record of random thoughts and feelings, almost like journal entries. John finds them comforting, like he still gets to be a part of Steve’s life. He reads all of Steve’s messages, but he doesn’t reply. He doesn’t know how to.

With time and distance, he can understand why Steve had struggled to tell him the truth. And Steve  _ had  _ struggled, those odd moments when Steve had started talking and then broken off, shame and guilt and regret in his eyes. He’d pretended not to notice, afraid that Steve was going to tell him something he didn’t want to hear, maybe even something about his past. 

Turns out he was more right than he’d realized. Turns out he’d been broken and then reassembled as a weapon, that he had seventy years’ worth of blood on his hands. That he’d tried to kill Steve, but he’d saved him too. He can understand why Steve kept putting off telling him. Because what does he do with this knowledge? How is he supposed to move on from it? He has no answers, so he travels on. 

And then one night, sitting on the bed in a run-down motel room in Arizona, watching the local news, missing Steve, he decides it’s time to go home. For whatever reason, he’s been given the gift of a second chance. He doesn’t want to waste any more of it punishing himself for a past he can’t even remember. 

Seven months and thirteen days after he left, he knocks on Steve’s door.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on tumblr :) [yetanotherobsessivereader](http://yetanotherobsessivereader.tumblr.com/)


End file.
